ocabee (ocabee) wrote,

Happy New year

I'm going to dead.

Me and my daughter use to live in USA, Brooklyn NY. Where I raising her from 1.5 years old to almost her 17 alone, no mother was exist. Then we moved to Russia and here we are 5 years already.

My name is Alexander Turchanenko. I'm 61 years old. In Moscow. I'm seek. I have bubble right in front of my body size as arm. Right between chest and stomach. I have started diabetic, convulsions on my legs and arms. I can't see properly and clearly.
And i never went to doctor. No money for that.

Yesterday my daughter Alexandra Turchanenko 22 years old went from house without warning and disappear. Few hours I spend to found her. I did that by hacking her email. I don't have money to call her. I going on streets and keep asking people give to me a little money for phone. Or asking for use they phone. In russia this activity most likely have no result. But I got money on my phone.

She never answering on my Calls and SMS. She not communicate at all. After reading her email, I get she went to american friends, Kira Hagen and Tony house. Thanks God she alive. I started chat from daughter email with Kira. Kira tell me my Alexandra is ok. And she will stay there for now. Why? Kira blame me for make Alexandra housekeeper for me, as my life carer, who fitting me, cleaning apartment, working for money... Kira mentioned it's very bad because I'm pretty yang yet, should start work, care about my self by my self and live Alexandra alone.

That's strange. Besaids my condition, in Russia you not really be able to work after 55 y.o. From 60 y.o. government use to give pension - but not for me cos I don't have permanent address. LOL.

Alexandra never complaining about that. We talking too much about. And it's not really reason as I know if I'm right. She always - as she said - never have problem with caring. Not that much even need. But yes - she have to work for support as life. She working as english teacher. Usually for good prize. But her american friends always copmlaining about that. Why? I don't know. Maybe the don't like me )

Why Alexandra did that? Yes, we have bad conversation about how to meet New Year. Yes, I yell at her. well...

I don't have any money. I eat some what still have at home, like pasta and eggs. And tea. Nothing else. Oh - butter. I don't have much ability even to walk in this time. I don't have cigarettes. Well I use to smoke two packs per day. Now I'm - they who smoking - they know what is it. I don't have money even for bus.

Why I'm writing this? I wanna ask you, people. Is this is wrong when growing kid support old parents? Is this is right, when kid just went out and left old parent die? All her friends, from USA, in USA, in England and so congratulate her with her winning. My brain can't take it. I'm a monster? But how many times I ask her - she never agreed with thing like that. She lie to me? I don't think so.
I send too many email to Alexandra. Too many SMS. No answer. I call too many times. No answer. Nothing.

I love her more of my life. If she will be easy when I will go to past - I'm ready for that. But I can't believe that. I still love my parents even they are past away. I missed them. Will she???

I'm crying all this time. Can't stop. She don't care. What if she have some reason - or what - she don't wanna tell me? I'm ready to do anything even die for her. She will appreciate that?

I understand if she went for her own life. Yes. But for prize of my life? Just kick me into street as a old seek dog. Is this is normal??? Then I have to kill my self. I have nothing to support my self. And my country will never do anything for that.

But - she love me. I know that! then - how come? What's going on, people? How she can easy chat with friends, play games with them and so on - when she know I'm here with nothing. I can't even walk that far when she is. No money for bus. And her friends will not allowed me come to them. O my God...

Maybe... maybe she have other reason... Anyway - I/m not deserved talk? Yea but if she wana gone forever then what to talk about.... she will not support me - and I can't stay alone.

Forgive me all please...
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